The 4 most critical years

 As parents, we choose to have children and therefore we are obligated to sacrifice almost everything in our life to raise, teach and protect them. The first 4 years of a child's life are the most critical for learning and developing and the reality is, that is the part of the father's life that he is still deep into his own stuff and by default letting the mother raise the children on her own. The amount of learning that takes place in the first 4 years cannot compare to any other 4 year period of their lives. In my opinion one of the most important things that must be taught by age 1 is your child must learn to communicate please and thank you. Without this elementary discipline they will instead learn that when I scream and cry I get what I want. This has been an incredible experience in the overall discipline of the children learning that crying does not get them more food, but communicating 'please' does. Teaching a 7 month old to communicate 'please' is not easy but with persistence it was proven 6 times in our home. As a father I can see the responsibilities and requirements from my perspective a lot easier and I do not give myself much slack when it comes to the importance of parenting with purpose. We have to parent our children intentionally, not reactionary. To be a reactionary parent is just cleaning up messes and fixing screaming fits, sitting the child down with a TV while we try to give candy to the other so shut them up. ALL of that line of thinking is wrong. As a father, if I ever give my child a screen or device because they are crying or begging, I'm WRONG and should be ashamed, especially if I give them the screen so I can indulge in my own selfish desires. The first and only line of defense against our kids growing up to be whiney, self-entitled, lazy brats looking for handouts who can't do anything for themselves is active, fully involved, only priority parenting. As a father, if I do not actively teach and train my children every day, I'm a failure. If I don't teach them something new and give an in-depth perspective on something, failure.  When it comes to work and responsibility, we have our work cut out for us there too. Once our children can walk, all they want to do is please their parents. They are like dogs at that age, everything they do they look up at us for approval. One of the biggest mistakes parents make at that age is they send them away because they are only slowing down the progress OR they don't actively give them small chores. What this does is it gets the children used to not working. In the parent's mind it is the right thing to do, I mean the kid is too young to make it worth it, right? What they don't realize is they are taking the most impressionable years and impressing on them that they sit around while mom & dad do the work, your welcome! If we give them work from 1 year old they will get in the habit and realize that it is normal to help with any and all chores in our home. Asking your 1 year old to put your shoes on the steps, asking them to put trash in the can or asking them to 'help' run the vacuum all give them satisfaction that they are making you happy. Yes, it will take you longer, but it's not about a clean house, it never was, it's about raising the kids that you signed up to raise. Dads have a habit of saying "I gotta babysit tonight". You don't babysit your own kids! You 'get' to spend time with your daughter or son. As dads we have an incredible opportunity to help mold and shape our children and guide them in whatever direction we choose. The scary thing is if we choose to neglect that responsibility and just check the box that we spent 5 minutes with them a few days or suffered through a tea party so now I can go play baseball, play xbox or hang with the guys, someone else will raise them. Speaking of Xbox, it's my opinion that no father should be involved in any gaming platforms as they are designed for addiction and take us away from our children, isolate us from family and steal time that we can never get back. Dad's if you are serious about your children and wife stay off the games! Do it for your family. Taking every opportunity to teach and train your children is a duty and an obligation, not something you can opt out of. Actively look for ways to engage and teach. As the father of 6 children ages 1 to 13, I can say that laying the ground work when they were 0-4 has paid off time and time again! When you see an 5, 6 , 8 or 10 year old that is an absolute brat, out of control, crying for and getting whatever he wants..... look at his father! By age 2 they should full well know that they get absolutely nothing when they cry for it. There is a way to get what you want, when you say "excuse me" and you "ask nicely". The answer may not always be yes but what they should get is an explanation that satisfies their inquiry. Ask any of my children "what do you get when you cry?" they will immediately reply "Nothing" because that is an absolute. It is beneficial to establish absolutes in your home, things such as "when you cry you get nothing", "Disrespecting your mother is a Really Really big deal!", "Hands in your lap and quiet until we ask the blessing at dinner", "It is never ok to argue with your parents" (we will debate, discuss and explain, but not argue).. etc. Establishing those absolutes allows firm, understood rules to be established. There is nothing more important than raising our children and there is no more important time than when they are 0-4 years old. Dad's, if you missed it, you will probably see evidence of it and pay for it for a long time. One last thought on your girls, 

Dads... Concerning your daughter, if you don't demonstrate deeply on a daily basis that you love her, she will find a guy who will convince her that he does..... 

i am 4th

Who is #1 ?

The way we're wired, our default mode is self-centeredness. We're born selfish, driven by our own needs and desires until we wake up to how backwards that is—always putting ourselves first.

As a Christian husband and father, my mantra is "i am 4th."

First, there's God—He saved my soul, gives me life, and every breath is His gift. I'm here to serve Him, depending on Him for everything.

Second, there's my wife. God gave her to me to honor and cherish. Every decision I make, I ask myself if it will bring her joy and serve her well.

Third, there are my children—my responsibility to nurture and raise in the ways of the Lord.

Fourth, there's me. A good husband and father, with priorities in order, serves God, cares for his wife, and focuses on his children before himself.

Some argue that putting "I" fourth is wrong, that we need "me time" to be better for our families. They talk about needing to reset or refresh. Honestly, that sounds like an excuse from those not fully committed to family. If they embraced being 4th, they'd find profound joy in serving their loved ones. They wouldn't need to golf or fish with buddies on Saturdays or indulge in solitary activities like sports, video games and hobbies while their family fends for themselves. 

Being 4th doesn't mean neglecting yourself—it means finding fulfillment in selflessness. Yes, we all need moments to recharge, but they should never overshadow our primary roles. Our time should reflect our priorities: investing in our marriages, bonding with our kids, and deepening our relationship with God. As men we love to indulge in many things, whether watching sports, eating food or reading books. I challenge you to evaluate the things you indulge in and ask yourself how they have directly helped you to be a better husband, father or follower of Christ? Read books that expand your knowledge of marriage, that help you understand your children and their complex needs. The book "365 connecting questions for couples" has been a good resource for us. It asks a questions each day for one year. We found it to be a great resource, and a great conversation starter. There were many topics that we may not have talked about if we had not read the book. Being vulnerable with your spouse is incredibly beneficial to creating an open, honest, deep, fulfilling relationship with your spouse. This book we incredibly beneficial. 

Don't resist bettering your relationship with your spouse! Other than God, this is the most important relationship you will ever have. Why would you not invest heavily in it. One husband responded to the book saying, "we read one question and threw the book in the trash. To bring up all those subjects would only mess up our relationship. Our relationship is really good wo why would we want to mess it up with that book?". All the while, any of their close friends, if honest, would have concerns about the relationship.  This person acknowledged they thought the being vulnerable with each other would jeopardize the 'good relationship' they had. I would argue that if a couple is not completely vulnerable with each other, their relationship is in jeopardy already! Through the years in my relationship each season I would think 'I couldn't imagine it could be this good', and each time I was humbled by how much better it can be. Complete vulnerability is key! To fully know and be fully known as best as humans can, is an incredible place to be. Where nothing can anger or annoy. A place where you both look out for each other so completely that there is never an annoyance. One couple I spoke to told me they have equal time for themselves. If one played golf for 6 hours on a Saturday morning, the other might hang with girlfriends for 6 hours. If one went out with friends one evening the other banked that for another evening with friends etc. I listened to this concept and felt sad. In all of this, they never mentioned the kids.. After talking for awhile I felt like this was a "i am first" relationship more than "i am 4th". The moment you act as though 'i am 1st, i am 2nd or i am 3rd', you are sacrificing obligations, responsibilities and duties to those you made promises to, God, your spouse and your children. 

When I hear "me time," I think about how Jesus withdrew to pray or sought solitude for spiritual renewal. His "me time" was never about personal indulgence but about reconnecting with God to better serve others. It's a different perspective—seeing our personal renewal as integral to our ability to love sacrificially, not as an escape from responsibilities. Keep in mind that we also cannot use this as an excuse! Fishing with the bros every weekend is not 'personal renewal so we can love sacrificially'. We might need new batteries in our barometer! 

So, when others insist on putting "I" before family, I challenge them to reconsider. True fulfillment comes not from prioritizing oneself but from embracing the profound joy of selfless love. It's in the everyday sacrifices, the late-night talks with a troubled child, the small acts of kindness to a tired spouse—that's where real fulfillment lies.

Let's redefine "me time" as moments of spiritual alignment and family connection. Let's find joy in being 4th, knowing that in serving God, loving our spouse, and raising our children, we discover the richest blessings life has to offer.

-i am 4th