i am 4th

Who is #1 ?

The way we're wired, our default mode is self-centeredness. We're born selfish, driven by our own needs and desires until we wake up to how backwards that is—always putting ourselves first.

As a Christian husband and father, my mantra is "i am 4th."

First, there's God—He saved my soul, gives me life, and every breath is His gift. I'm here to serve Him, depending on Him for everything.

Second, there's my wife. God gave her to me to honor and cherish. Every decision I make, I ask myself if it will bring her joy and serve her well.

Third, there are my children—my responsibility to nurture and raise in the ways of the Lord.

Fourth, there's me. A good husband and father, with priorities in order, serves God, cares for his wife, and focuses on his children before himself.

Some argue that putting "I" fourth is wrong, that we need "me time" to be better for our families. They talk about needing to reset or refresh. Honestly, that sounds like an excuse from those not fully committed to family. If they embraced being 4th, they'd find profound joy in serving their loved ones. They wouldn't need to golf or fish with buddies on Saturdays or indulge in solitary activities like sports, video games and hobbies while their family fends for themselves. 

Being 4th doesn't mean neglecting yourself—it means finding fulfillment in selflessness. Yes, we all need moments to recharge, but they should never overshadow our primary roles. Our time should reflect our priorities: investing in our marriages, bonding with our kids, and deepening our relationship with God. As men we love to indulge in many things, whether watching sports, eating food or reading books. I challenge you to evaluate the things you indulge in and ask yourself how they have directly helped you to be a better husband, father or follower of Christ? Read books that expand your knowledge of marriage, that help you understand your children and their complex needs. The book "365 connecting questions for couples" has been a good resource for us. It asks a questions each day for one year. We found it to be a great resource, and a great conversation starter. There were many topics that we may not have talked about if we had not read the book. Being vulnerable with your spouse is incredibly beneficial to creating an open, honest, deep, fulfilling relationship with your spouse. This book we incredibly beneficial. 

Don't resist bettering your relationship with your spouse! Other than God, this is the most important relationship you will ever have. Why would you not invest heavily in it. One husband responded to the book saying, "we read one question and threw the book in the trash. To bring up all those subjects would only mess up our relationship. Our relationship is really good wo why would we want to mess it up with that book?". All the while, any of their close friends, if honest, would have concerns about the relationship.  This person acknowledged they thought the being vulnerable with each other would jeopardize the 'good relationship' they had. I would argue that if a couple is not completely vulnerable with each other, their relationship is in jeopardy already! Through the years in my relationship each season I would think 'I couldn't imagine it could be this good', and each time I was humbled by how much better it can be. Complete vulnerability is key! To fully know and be fully known as best as humans can, is an incredible place to be. Where nothing can anger or annoy. A place where you both look out for each other so completely that there is never an annoyance. One couple I spoke to told me they have equal time for themselves. If one played golf for 6 hours on a Saturday morning, the other might hang with girlfriends for 6 hours. If one went out with friends one evening the other banked that for another evening with friends etc. I listened to this concept and felt sad. In all of this, they never mentioned the kids.. After talking for awhile I felt like this was a "i am first" relationship more than "i am 4th". The moment you act as though 'i am 1st, i am 2nd or i am 3rd', you are sacrificing obligations, responsibilities and duties to those you made promises to, God, your spouse and your children. 

When I hear "me time," I think about how Jesus withdrew to pray or sought solitude for spiritual renewal. His "me time" was never about personal indulgence but about reconnecting with God to better serve others. It's a different perspective—seeing our personal renewal as integral to our ability to love sacrificially, not as an escape from responsibilities. Keep in mind that we also cannot use this as an excuse! Fishing with the bros every weekend is not 'personal renewal so we can love sacrificially'. We might need new batteries in our barometer! 

So, when others insist on putting "I" before family, I challenge them to reconsider. True fulfillment comes not from prioritizing oneself but from embracing the profound joy of selfless love. It's in the everyday sacrifices, the late-night talks with a troubled child, the small acts of kindness to a tired spouse—that's where real fulfillment lies.

Let's redefine "me time" as moments of spiritual alignment and family connection. Let's find joy in being 4th, knowing that in serving God, loving our spouse, and raising our children, we discover the richest blessings life has to offer.

-i am 4th