To be truly happy...

This was originally written Sept. 11, 2008 before I was married, before I had children. It is still true, still relevant and thank God I have lived up to my standards for loving your spouse...  

Have you ever met those people who always seem to be waiting for something? Like when they are 5 years old their brainiac parents put it in their heads that it's somehow cool to have a boyfriend, so they long to have a boyfriend not knowing what a boy even is at that point. So when these girls are 12 and 13 years old and realize what boys are, they feel this need to have a boyfriend to make their mom & dad happy. So they wait and wait through their teen years doing everything to attract the boys. And when they are in the late teens (if they are lucky enough to wait that long) they get a boyfriend and then they can't wait to get married, so they plan and plan a wedding for years while they are dating a guy they really aren't sure they are in love with, because they are not real sure what love is. Since their parents teased them about getting a boyfriend they stuck on that instead of learning what love really is. They aren't sure if they will get another boyfriend if they break up with this guy. So..... they stay with him and tough it out. Even though he makes her cry and makes her mad and upset and disrespects her, she keeps telling herself that it will get better, when we are married everything will work out. He will change once we are married. So this little girl from a teen ager keeps looking fwd. to that wedding day because that is when all will change with this guy who they aren't really sure if they truly love him. No one ever told her what true love is. "How do you know"? they ask. After the wedding day and the honeymoon is over and the now wife realizes that those problems that she thought would miraculously be taken care of with this wedding.. are slowly creeping back in. It was good in the beginning, but slowly he starts turning into his old self. And sooner or later she does something that triggers the old boyfriend and it all comes back!! She thinks to herself that it will all go away once a baby comes along.. So she waits and waits for a baby to come and spends the next year or so waiting once again. And when that precious soul arrives on the doorstep, she sighs and says to herself, "Now, it will all be good!". And it is, for a few weeks or months, but once again, after the baby keeps her husband up (who she isn't sure if she is really in love with cause she never knew what true love really was from the beginning) and he loses sleep, he gets cranky and then that old boyfriend is once again triggered and the old boyfriend comes slowly back into their married life and all those things that she thought would go away flood her life once again. It was bad enough when he was just her boyfriend, then it seemed to get worse when he was her husband even though she convinced herself it was actually better, and now when he is a father she's not sure how much more she can deal with. And then when that husband starts to realize that he is losing his time for himself and his hobbies, that bad attitude starts to creep back. And eventually he neglects his family and his responsibilities and starts to just go out for the day every Saturday, and is absent in the evening. It's like being a mom to a grown man.

So little girls, and big girls... "WAIT", the hardest thing to do when you are wanting a boyfriend is to wait. Guys don't know what they want at that age, and if you get involved with a boy at a young age (15 or 16) he does not know what love is or even how to love. ( he thinks he does, but you don't love with your hands) At that age, you are more of a status symbol, than the love of his life. Don't settle for any guy. Make sure you set your standards and don't back down. That boy or man has to work for you, he has to pursue you, like you deserve to be pursued because of who you are. If you throw yourself at any guy who looks your way, you will be disrespected your whole life from boyfriends to hookups to husbands, if you don't demand respect you will not get it. (unless you are just lucky) There are a lot of guys out there who are looking for a girl who does not demand respect so they can take advantage of her. They will not admit it and she will deny it, but never the less that is still the case. If you set your standards and most importantly base them on God's word and instruction, "DONT BACK DOWN FROM THEM" !! If you have interest in a guy with lower standards on some things don't lower your standards for him. I believe whole heartedly in compromise in a relationship IN SOME AREAS but definitely not all areas. Some things are not made to be compromised. You deserve to be respected, honored, loved and cherished. If he does not make you feel that way, then don't settle for him because the one who will be all those things is still there. Imagine getting married and then 5 years down the road you look at your life and think "I wish it were different, I wish he were here more, I wish he attended church more, I wish he played with the kids more, I wish he took an interest in the kids homework, I wish I wish".. Don't settle for a guy because he is the one who asked you out!!
Speaking of going with a guy because he asked you out. I have a problem with that. I heard two different girls in the last few years say the same thing, "I hope I don't end up with ________" . I was speechless! Girls, what about choice don't you understand? You don't end up with someone you don't want to be with unless you consciously choose to marry that man! You are not obligated to be friends with, date or marry any man that you do not choose to. So the statement "I hope I don't end up with ______" is completely mind blowing. If you don't want to be with him,,,,, Don't!
So who are the happy?? They are the ones who laugh together, cry together and truly love each other. They are the ones who don't have to say "I love you" (but still do) because every other thing in their life screams to their partner that they love them. They are the ones that people say "I can just tell you guys are truly in love". They are the ones that spend 100% of their time with each other and their kids. They are the ones who wait until that right person comes along instead of dating someone at 15. They are the ones that sacrifice everything for their family and realize that side jobs and voluntary OT are way down on the priority list. When you realize that sacrifice and those intangible things are the things that are really important, you will be one of the ones who are really the truly happy people. The truly happy spouse is the one who can honestly say 'i am 4th' ... God, spouse, children, me! 

i am 4th

An open letter to all dads

 This letter is written from the unrealistic perspective of an adolescent daughter.

Dear Daddy,

I've been thinking about my future lately, I sure hope you have too! You know, parenting is a full time job. I'm sure you know that but sometime you don't seem to act on it. I need you involved everyday of my life. You may think that Mom has me handled since we are both girls but dad what you don't realize is that while Mom really does play a large role in my life, it has been said that you play the greatest role ever in my life. I need you to be committed, not just verbally committed like saying "yeh yeh, i'm here for you". Being there and fulfilling your obligations are two different things. Most dads come home every night and say they are being there, but the good ones make an appoint to be home on time or early so they can assure me that i'll spend quality time with you. Dad, stop chasing the dollar and start chasing me! Stop trying to please every business associate you know and start trying to just make me feel loved, daily.  I'll only be little once and for some of my older peers that time is slipping away faster and faster as they grow up. Dad, you need to teach me everything you know and instill in me the values that made you who you are! I need to know how to pray, how to read the Bible, what is acceptable speech, who are acceptable friends, I need you to read to me and sit with me, pray with me and laugh with me, I need you to create such an amazing relationship with me that I would not think of making a life decision without first talking to you. That amazing relationship will bloom into mutual amazing respect when i'm a teenager and beyond. But Dad, you need to wake up! That maintenance on our relationship should have started when I was in the cradle. It's not too late now, dad, it will just take some hard dedicated work and some time. I don't want to be one of those girls who decides to run off and get married and you are scratching your head wondering where you went wrong. Or out of the blue I leave the Faith I was raised with leaving you in shock. Dad, you need to be constantly teaching and explaining things to me. You learned them over your 20,30,40 or so years and you only have a few to teach them to me. Don't give me a lame excuse that you don't have anything to talk about. You've been around a lot longer than I have! But remember dad, listen closely now, 'you can't learn anything while you are talking to me'. I want you to know me inside out. You need to sit, listen and admire the simple innocence that I am at this young age. Listen to what is important to me and take an interest in that. Don't get me wrong, I want to hear what you have to say too, but you will always have those same words, I am growing up fast. Sit with me dad, every night by my bed and let me talk, listen, take it in and admire the beauty that is your daughter who loves you unconditionally.  I need to have firm convicted teaching ingrained in me as truth and normal so that when a new idea or new way of thinking comes along or someone challenges my faith or tries to lead me astray I have something to base my opinions and decisions on. Dad, you don't want some guy to come into my life and just indoctrinate me with all his views and philosophies do you? I need to know how and what I believe, firmly, before anyone tries to show me abother way. It will happen if you don't invest the time in me now to teach teach teach and enjoy each other's company. I need a reference point for all things true when I get into my teenage years. I will easily be lead astray if you don't help me dad. Teach me, love me, hold me, kiss me, hug me, date me, listen to me and don't stop any of this as long as we both shall live. Make me a promise dad! All of us young girls have it born in us to seek out the company of a man. Dad, this HAS to be you!! If you don't teach us and show us, we won't know whats right and wrong and will seek out another boy that you don't approve of and is bad news for me. I won't know that sex outside of marriage is a bad thing but saved for marriage is a beautiful thing. I won't know that I should not drink alcohol or smoke! I won't know to avoid people of bad influence and to think of my spiritual well being before the simple feelings of others. I won't be able to recognize peer pressure and know that it can be a very bad thing when I run with the wrong crowd. I won't know that as a teenager it is possible to make some very bad decisions that can adversely affect me for the rest of my life!  I won't know that sleeping around is wrong. I won't know that it's dangerous to be dating at 15 years old. I won't know what kind of language is acceptable. I won't know a lot of things if you don't teach me dad because if you don't teach me, another boy will. Dad, if  you don't create that awesome open and respectful relationship now, I won't feel comfortable going to you for advice, especially when it's something I know you won't be happy about. And if I lack a relationship with you it will most likely be a boy that will lead me down a bad path and possibly to destruction. Dad, also, when I do something that disappoints you please try to stop, think then respond so that I'm not constantly getting grounded or yelled at and slowly a wall of resistance is built that I don't feel like climbing over every time I want to talk to you. Dad, if you raise me right, with respect and love, I will have so much admiration, love and respect that I will not even think of a boyfriend until I'm 18... or 25. I know my friends will be talking about boys their whole life because their parents put those thoughts in their heads, but not you dad, teach me right, please. Dad, I need you, all of us little girls need our dads but it seems that most of our dads are not listening. They say they are, they look like they are, but they are not. When one of my friends grows up, meets a guy, and conforms her life to his including his wrong spiritual views, her dad can't be surprised, after all, he was not there! Dad, don't neglect me. I need you, a lot and often. What are you saying by your actions is more important than me? Your job, your money, your friends, your hobbies, my brothers, helping others? There are many things that you can put ahead of me and while they are 'good' in themselves, if you neglect me while you are doing them, they are wrong! I need you, I am your first priority, I get you first, last and always. If I fail you it's most likely because you failed me first. Don't get it twisted dad, your charity starts at home. In so many words, dad, I am asking you to put your life on hold while I grow up. If you fail in this I will make decisions that will cause you much disappointment and  heartache. I will not do those things to hurt you, but simply because this is the life you handed me. My life is in your hands dad, do not let me down, I'm counting on you. Dad, I'm 3 years old, who else can I run to?? Pursue me, always! 

Love
your daughter

P.S. My brothers need you too. I'll try to talk them into writing to you sometime...

The 4 most critical years

 As parents, we choose to have children and therefore we are obligated to sacrifice almost everything in our life to raise, teach and protect them. The first 4 years of a child's life are the most critical for learning and developing and the reality is, that is the part of the father's life that he is still deep into his own stuff and by default letting the mother raise the children on her own. The amount of learning that takes place in the first 4 years cannot compare to any other 4 year period of their lives. In my opinion one of the most important things that must be taught by age 1 is your child must learn to communicate please and thank you. Without this elementary discipline they will instead learn that when I scream and cry I get what I want. This has been an incredible experience in the overall discipline of the children learning that crying does not get them more food, but communicating 'please' does. Teaching a 7 month old to communicate 'please' is not easy but with persistence it was proven 6 times in our home. As a father I can see the responsibilities and requirements from my perspective a lot easier and I do not give myself much slack when it comes to the importance of parenting with purpose. We have to parent our children intentionally, not reactionary. To be a reactionary parent is just cleaning up messes and fixing screaming fits, sitting the child down with a TV while we try to give candy to the other so shut them up. ALL of that line of thinking is wrong. As a father, if I ever give my child a screen or device because they are crying or begging, I'm WRONG and should be ashamed, especially if I give them the screen so I can indulge in my own selfish desires. The first and only line of defense against our kids growing up to be whiney, self-entitled, lazy brats looking for handouts who can't do anything for themselves is active, fully involved, only priority parenting. As a father, if I do not actively teach and train my children every day, I'm a failure. If I don't teach them something new and give an in-depth perspective on something, failure.  When it comes to work and responsibility, we have our work cut out for us there too. Once our children can walk, all they want to do is please their parents. They are like dogs at that age, everything they do they look up at us for approval. One of the biggest mistakes parents make at that age is they send them away because they are only slowing down the progress OR they don't actively give them small chores. What this does is it gets the children used to not working. In the parent's mind it is the right thing to do, I mean the kid is too young to make it worth it, right? What they don't realize is they are taking the most impressionable years and impressing on them that they sit around while mom & dad do the work, your welcome! If we give them work from 1 year old they will get in the habit and realize that it is normal to help with any and all chores in our home. Asking your 1 year old to put your shoes on the steps, asking them to put trash in the can or asking them to 'help' run the vacuum all give them satisfaction that they are making you happy. Yes, it will take you longer, but it's not about a clean house, it never was, it's about raising the kids that you signed up to raise. Dads have a habit of saying "I gotta babysit tonight". You don't babysit your own kids! You 'get' to spend time with your daughter or son. As dads we have an incredible opportunity to help mold and shape our children and guide them in whatever direction we choose. The scary thing is if we choose to neglect that responsibility and just check the box that we spent 5 minutes with them a few days or suffered through a tea party so now I can go play baseball, play xbox or hang with the guys, someone else will raise them. Speaking of Xbox, it's my opinion that no father should be involved in any gaming platforms as they are designed for addiction and take us away from our children, isolate us from family and steal time that we can never get back. Dad's if you are serious about your children and wife stay off the games! Do it for your family. Taking every opportunity to teach and train your children is a duty and an obligation, not something you can opt out of. Actively look for ways to engage and teach. As the father of 6 children ages 1 to 13, I can say that laying the ground work when they were 0-4 has paid off time and time again! When you see an 5, 6 , 8 or 10 year old that is an absolute brat, out of control, crying for and getting whatever he wants..... look at his father! By age 2 they should full well know that they get absolutely nothing when they cry for it. There is a way to get what you want, when you say "excuse me" and you "ask nicely". The answer may not always be yes but what they should get is an explanation that satisfies their inquiry. Ask any of my children "what do you get when you cry?" they will immediately reply "Nothing" because that is an absolute. It is beneficial to establish absolutes in your home, things such as "when you cry you get nothing", "Disrespecting your mother is a Really Really big deal!", "Hands in your lap and quiet until we ask the blessing at dinner", "It is never ok to argue with your parents" (we will debate, discuss and explain, but not argue).. etc. Establishing those absolutes allows firm, understood rules to be established. There is nothing more important than raising our children and there is no more important time than when they are 0-4 years old. Dad's, if you missed it, you will probably see evidence of it and pay for it for a long time. One last thought on your girls, 

Dads... Concerning your daughter, if you don't demonstrate deeply on a daily basis that you love her, she will find a guy who will convince her that he does..... 

i am 4th

Who is #1 ?

The way we're wired, our default mode is self-centeredness. We're born selfish, driven by our own needs and desires until we wake up to how backwards that is—always putting ourselves first.

As a Christian husband and father, my mantra is "i am 4th."

First, there's God—He saved my soul, gives me life, and every breath is His gift. I'm here to serve Him, depending on Him for everything.

Second, there's my wife. God gave her to me to honor and cherish. Every decision I make, I ask myself if it will bring her joy and serve her well.

Third, there are my children—my responsibility to nurture and raise in the ways of the Lord.

Fourth, there's me. A good husband and father, with priorities in order, serves God, cares for his wife, and focuses on his children before himself.

Some argue that putting "I" fourth is wrong, that we need "me time" to be better for our families. They talk about needing to reset or refresh. Honestly, that sounds like an excuse from those not fully committed to family. If they embraced being 4th, they'd find profound joy in serving their loved ones. They wouldn't need to golf or fish with buddies on Saturdays or indulge in solitary activities like sports, video games and hobbies while their family fends for themselves. 

Being 4th doesn't mean neglecting yourself—it means finding fulfillment in selflessness. Yes, we all need moments to recharge, but they should never overshadow our primary roles. Our time should reflect our priorities: investing in our marriages, bonding with our kids, and deepening our relationship with God. As men we love to indulge in many things, whether watching sports, eating food or reading books. I challenge you to evaluate the things you indulge in and ask yourself how they have directly helped you to be a better husband, father or follower of Christ? Read books that expand your knowledge of marriage, that help you understand your children and their complex needs. The book "365 connecting questions for couples" has been a good resource for us. It asks a questions each day for one year. We found it to be a great resource, and a great conversation starter. There were many topics that we may not have talked about if we had not read the book. Being vulnerable with your spouse is incredibly beneficial to creating an open, honest, deep, fulfilling relationship with your spouse. This book we incredibly beneficial. 

Don't resist bettering your relationship with your spouse! Other than God, this is the most important relationship you will ever have. Why would you not invest heavily in it. One husband responded to the book saying, "we read one question and threw the book in the trash. To bring up all those subjects would only mess up our relationship. Our relationship is really good wo why would we want to mess it up with that book?". All the while, any of their close friends, if honest, would have concerns about the relationship.  This person acknowledged they thought the being vulnerable with each other would jeopardize the 'good relationship' they had. I would argue that if a couple is not completely vulnerable with each other, their relationship is in jeopardy already! Through the years in my relationship each season I would think 'I couldn't imagine it could be this good', and each time I was humbled by how much better it can be. Complete vulnerability is key! To fully know and be fully known as best as humans can, is an incredible place to be. Where nothing can anger or annoy. A place where you both look out for each other so completely that there is never an annoyance. One couple I spoke to told me they have equal time for themselves. If one played golf for 6 hours on a Saturday morning, the other might hang with girlfriends for 6 hours. If one went out with friends one evening the other banked that for another evening with friends etc. I listened to this concept and felt sad. In all of this, they never mentioned the kids.. After talking for awhile I felt like this was a "i am first" relationship more than "i am 4th". The moment you act as though 'i am 1st, i am 2nd or i am 3rd', you are sacrificing obligations, responsibilities and duties to those you made promises to, God, your spouse and your children. 

When I hear "me time," I think about how Jesus withdrew to pray or sought solitude for spiritual renewal. His "me time" was never about personal indulgence but about reconnecting with God to better serve others. It's a different perspective—seeing our personal renewal as integral to our ability to love sacrificially, not as an escape from responsibilities. Keep in mind that we also cannot use this as an excuse! Fishing with the bros every weekend is not 'personal renewal so we can love sacrificially'. We might need new batteries in our barometer! 

So, when others insist on putting "I" before family, I challenge them to reconsider. True fulfillment comes not from prioritizing oneself but from embracing the profound joy of selfless love. It's in the everyday sacrifices, the late-night talks with a troubled child, the small acts of kindness to a tired spouse—that's where real fulfillment lies.

Let's redefine "me time" as moments of spiritual alignment and family connection. Let's find joy in being 4th, knowing that in serving God, loving our spouse, and raising our children, we discover the richest blessings life has to offer.

-i am 4th